From john Wed Feb 2 16:23:59 2000 Return-Path: Received: (from john@localhost) by harlie.idsfa.net (8.9.3/8.9.3/harlie) id QAA03521 for john; Wed, 2 Feb 2000 16:23:59 -0800 From: "John J. Stimson-III" Message-Id: <200002030023.QAA03521@harlie.idsfa.net> Subject: Gamer.zork To: john@idsfa.net (John J. Stimson-III) Date: Wed, 2 Feb 100 16:23:58 -0800 (PST) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL25] MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Status: X-Keywords: X-UID: 150 Status: RO GAMER'S DEN You are in a small room with a late-model PC. It's running one of those Playstation games under the great new emulator, bleem! An exit to the west is covered with a curtain to block out the light coming from that direction. >west ENTRYWAY It takes a while for your eyes to adjust, and you find yourself in a hall with a door at the west end. >open door; west THE BIG ROOM You find yourself in a vast chamber with a fuzzy green floor and distant blue ceiling. A bright light shines high above you, making you squint. Everything in this room seems to be rendered at incredibly high resolution and framerate. There is a car here, although it doesn't look nearly as sporty and shiny as the ones you're used to driving. >sit in car; put key in ignition You sweep aside some Taco Bell wrappers and settle into the drivers seat with a creak. As you turn the key, the engine sputters to life with a puff of blue smoke. >drive west FREEWAY Ah, the open road. You are heading west on a six-lane highway among hordes of other drivers. Strangely though, they are not firing machine guns or grenades at you. Confused by this, you miss the opportunity to run a small blue hatchback off the road. > wait FREEWAY An extremely large SUV cuts you off, and the driver gives you the finger. Unfortunately, you can't find the controls for the fusion cannon. You see the exit for the mall coming up on the right. > exit PARKING LOT This is a vast expanse of asphalt, full of minivans and SUVs. You find a space to park in a remote spot at one end. You can see the mall in the hazy distance to the north. >north MALL ENTRANCE Throngs of consumers pass in and out carrying colorful plastic bags. There is a run-down movie theater to the east, and a beauty parlor to the west. The reek of carcinogenic solvents rolls over you, presumably from the beauty parlor. There is a map here >examine map Either the solvents are affecting your brain, or the mall map (like all mall maps) is confusing. Either way, you can't make head nor tail of it. >north MALL A maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Mall patrons jostle past you carrying chintzy kitchen decorations. >east MALL A maze of twisty little passages, all alike. Mall patrons jostle past you, carrying shoddy electronics. >sh*t Such tame language, from a gamer! >west MALL [...] [twenty minutes later] [...] >north EGGHEAD BOUTIQUE ETC. At last! You find youself at your destination, a small shop whose walls are lined with computer game boxes. Your eyes are drawn to the "New Release" section, where you find "Final Fantasy VIII". >examine box Everything you ever needed to know about the game is right there, on the box! There are some neat pictures, a list of package contents, a rebate offer from AOL, and a list of system requirements. >read system requirements You realize that you are going to have to buy a new computer. The one you bought last month won't run the game in the recommended 2400x1800x64bpp graphics resolution.